Journal: 22/6/2014 Baggage

For some reason I've been doing that comparison thing again.

Nothing sets you up failure more than comparing yourself to anyone else.

I know this and I've known it for a long time. For most of life I've been happy to be me. I've never wanted to be anyone else or to look like anyone else.

But the longing to be different and not be who I am right now is what leads me to feel disappointed in myself. The fact I know I'm acting out of character yet I continue to go with it also disappoints me.

I don't.think.that there is worse emotion to feel than disappointment as it is on a par with despondency.

Of all the things I need to do, the main thing is to stop punishing myself and drowning my emotions with food.

Something that is easier said than done.

Journal: 17/6/2014

It's fair to say it all went a bit tits up.

I've not so much fallen off the wagon. As parked it up, lost the key, forgotten where I've parked it and what it looks like.

I feel even bigger than before. All puffy and hard/inflated. Not good.

The trip that I started this journey for has now been cancelled. However, I still have other things I want to do but can't due to my size. It's sad, but true.

I was brave and got on the scales this morning. I've gained 6lb from my last weigh in. So I am currently 26st 5.5lb.

Officially massive. I have still got my 11lb loss so haven't wiped out all my work yet.

This week I'm full of cold so am steering away from my usual 5:2 kick start and instead I'm attempting to get my head there mentally instead. It could take a while.

Day 30: Journal 14/5/2014

I'm going to hang my head down.

This week has not been a good one.

Time is very sparse due to other non-bloggy commitments. Something had to give... sadly it was my asides and my weighloss.

I'm not going to lie, last week's maintain rocked me. To the core. I threw my toys, dummy and bedding out of my pram and sulked and binged and lived on biscuits and takeaways.

And I can tell. My uniform trousers are tight again, I feel lethargic, just lumplike overall. It has not been  a good week.

I gained 6lbs in just 6 days.

Now I have to face up to it. And do something about it.

I'm back to an overall loss of 17lbs.



and am almost into the 26 stone category again. Thankfully I managed to stop just in time.

So it's a case of onwards and downwards from here on in.

Day 24: Food Diary 8/5/2014

Day 24: Journal 8/5/2014

 I'm still reeling from yesterday's result.

I've had some binge issues to say the least. Lots of sugar.

And I mean lots of sugar. I'm going to have to rein it in tomorrow. I can't undo everything I have achieved so far. Right now though I am fighting the urge to eat my way to the bottom of a biscuit barrel or chocolate box.

Being at work today didn't keep my from my worst self today. It had been doing so well at distracting myself during office hours for it to crash now is disappointing.

Day 23: Food Diary Weigh-in Day 7/5/2014

Day 23: Journal WEIGH-IN DAY 7/5/2014

Previous weight: 25st 5lb

Current weight:  25st 5lb 

Total loss: 25lbs

I really wanted to be putting up the 28lb picture today. Alas, instead I have to repeat last week's ident. 

I suppose the good news is I didn't gain anything. Bad news is that it would appear a change in routine doesn't work for me. I know I was under on calories for the week, the only thing it can be is water retention from the extra salt I've been eating and the fewer drinks I have had too. 

So plan for next week. More liquids, especially water. More vegetables/salady bits. More exercise. Less or at least smaller portions over all. Less sitting on my bum too, I think I've got a bit too comfortable. Less takeaway food. Pizza 3 days out of 4 is not a good thing. 

But I can't say that I'm not disappointed. I had really hoped that this week I would get to the 2 stone loss mark. I have a day at work ahead of me and I can tell my mood is not going to be great even now. 

I don't have time for any more sts weigh ins, there are only 77 days left. I know that is still 2 and a bit months but still not that long to make the big difference that I am aiming to. 

So I had best get my head down.