Neglect

I've really neglected this side of my blog.

I'm trying hard to put everything in line and work out a way of doing this for life.

I'm stepping away from 5:2 for a little while, and I am still having flashbacks from when I used to be part of a slimming group. My mind is somewhat warped. But then I did spent from the age of 16 to my mid 30s trying to live by their rules. It works for some, but not for me.

What I do know is that it needs to stick.

I have been looking for inspiration and I've now got my fitbit to log my activity (I'll let you into a secret there hasn't been much of that today at all).

The weather today is grim and my mood is blacker still. I'm not sure why. On paper I should have everything I want. The husband, the kids, the house, a job... but something just isn't gelling.

I feel so low, and I'm not sure what I can actually do about it any more.

Journal: 22/6/2014 Baggage

For some reason I've been doing that comparison thing again.

Nothing sets you up failure more than comparing yourself to anyone else.

I know this and I've known it for a long time. For most of life I've been happy to be me. I've never wanted to be anyone else or to look like anyone else.

But the longing to be different and not be who I am right now is what leads me to feel disappointed in myself. The fact I know I'm acting out of character yet I continue to go with it also disappoints me.

I don't.think.that there is worse emotion to feel than disappointment as it is on a par with despondency.

Of all the things I need to do, the main thing is to stop punishing myself and drowning my emotions with food.

Something that is easier said than done.

Journal: 17/6/2014

It's fair to say it all went a bit tits up.

I've not so much fallen off the wagon. As parked it up, lost the key, forgotten where I've parked it and what it looks like.

I feel even bigger than before. All puffy and hard/inflated. Not good.

The trip that I started this journey for has now been cancelled. However, I still have other things I want to do but can't due to my size. It's sad, but true.

I was brave and got on the scales this morning. I've gained 6lb from my last weigh in. So I am currently 26st 5.5lb.

Officially massive. I have still got my 11lb loss so haven't wiped out all my work yet.

This week I'm full of cold so am steering away from my usual 5:2 kick start and instead I'm attempting to get my head there mentally instead. It could take a while.

Day 30: Journal 14/5/2014

I'm going to hang my head down.

This week has not been a good one.

Time is very sparse due to other non-bloggy commitments. Something had to give... sadly it was my asides and my weighloss.

I'm not going to lie, last week's maintain rocked me. To the core. I threw my toys, dummy and bedding out of my pram and sulked and binged and lived on biscuits and takeaways.

And I can tell. My uniform trousers are tight again, I feel lethargic, just lumplike overall. It has not been  a good week.

I gained 6lbs in just 6 days.

Now I have to face up to it. And do something about it.

I'm back to an overall loss of 17lbs.



and am almost into the 26 stone category again. Thankfully I managed to stop just in time.

So it's a case of onwards and downwards from here on in.

Day 24: Food Diary 8/5/2014

Day 24: Journal 8/5/2014

 I'm still reeling from yesterday's result.

I've had some binge issues to say the least. Lots of sugar.

And I mean lots of sugar. I'm going to have to rein it in tomorrow. I can't undo everything I have achieved so far. Right now though I am fighting the urge to eat my way to the bottom of a biscuit barrel or chocolate box.

Being at work today didn't keep my from my worst self today. It had been doing so well at distracting myself during office hours for it to crash now is disappointing.

Day 23: Food Diary Weigh-in Day 7/5/2014

Day 23: Journal WEIGH-IN DAY 7/5/2014

Previous weight: 25st 5lb

Current weight:  25st 5lb 

Total loss: 25lbs

I really wanted to be putting up the 28lb picture today. Alas, instead I have to repeat last week's ident. 

I suppose the good news is I didn't gain anything. Bad news is that it would appear a change in routine doesn't work for me. I know I was under on calories for the week, the only thing it can be is water retention from the extra salt I've been eating and the fewer drinks I have had too. 

So plan for next week. More liquids, especially water. More vegetables/salady bits. More exercise. Less or at least smaller portions over all. Less sitting on my bum too, I think I've got a bit too comfortable. Less takeaway food. Pizza 3 days out of 4 is not a good thing. 

But I can't say that I'm not disappointed. I had really hoped that this week I would get to the 2 stone loss mark. I have a day at work ahead of me and I can tell my mood is not going to be great even now. 

I don't have time for any more sts weigh ins, there are only 77 days left. I know that is still 2 and a bit months but still not that long to make the big difference that I am aiming to. 

So I had best get my head down. 

Day 22: Journal 6/5/2014

It was back to work today after the bank holiday.

Today has felt really odd, as if Monday never really existed.

I'm still not feeling right within myself either. I think reality has definitely hit.

Tomorrow is weigh-in day and I'm already getting het up about it. Like there is anything I can do about it right now.

I need to be at peace that I have done as well as I could this week.  I really do need to knock the simple carbs on the head again. I need to get the weight shifting again.

Day 22: Food Diary 6/5/2014

3 slices leftover pizza

Keralan summer soup

half packet of skittles

pre-cub sugar energy boost

buff wing chilli, rice with cheese and tortilla chips

Super fiery seeds - graze box

Toffee apple - graze box

Day 21: Journal 5/5/2014

I can honestly say today has been tiring.

I spent 2 hours in the garden, just cutting the grass. I was so long, and the amount of things hidden in the long green stuff I wish I'd never had to find out.

I'm not the biggest fan of gardening. Yes I don't mind  sitting in a nice one and having a few glasses of wine, but I'm not the sort to make it into a nice one.

I keep trying but so far it's to no avail. My body clock is shot again after that night out at the weekend, and I'm still trying to work out if it will have had a detrimental  influence over the numbers on Wednesday.

I'm hoping for at least another 3lbs this week, hover more would be nice.

The knock-on effect now is that my back is killing me and I'm just shattered. It's not helping that I am having a few dodgy moments to say the least.

My bank holiday meals are not good, today we wound up having pizza and chips as I was in the garden all day and have had a planning meeting for cubs.

I'm quickly writing this before I head up to bed... it's 1am. Oops.

Day 21: Food Diary 5/5/2014

Day 20: Journal 4/5/2014

It has been a long day today.

I was out on the town last night with a group of friends. I took a hip flask of malibu out with me, bought a couple while I was out and then had a few shots of cherry sourz.

Lots of dancing ensued and I didn't get home until well after 2am and finally crawled into bed after 4am... oops.

After visiting the inlaws yesterday we had to squeeze all our Saturday chores into Sunday morning and then I spent this afternoon with the Scouts celebrating St George's day with a parade and faith supper in the scout hut.

I didn't touch the buffet, I did get a coffee though. Considering I've been on the go all day I have managed to stay under on calories. Tomorrow I'm planning on some gardening and then that should pave the way to another good loss this week.

I can't believe that I am already 20 days in. I have just 80 days left of this challenge. 80 days left to pull myself together and pull this thing off. It really does make me nervous as to whether I actually can pull this thing off.

Day 20: Food Diary 4/5/2014

Bacon, scrambled egg and mushrooms

Levi Roots Caribbean Curry Chicken with rice

An Aldi marzipan and praline egg love these little beauties

Day 19: Food Diary 3/5/2014

cheesy rice souffle and tomato sauce

Chicken, yorkshire pudding and steamed veg

Lentil and bacon soup with a wholemeal roll

Day 19: Journal 3/5/2014

I'm feeling really lonely on this journey at the moment.

It's almost as if I'm doing it for nothing. Even though I've almost lost 2 stone, and I'm hoping to reach that milestone on Wednesday, no one is really seeing it.

I think I may have spotted a few changes, primarily a shrinking of the muffin top's muffin top.

Funny how one word, or conversation with a person can alter your whole mood and outlook. I'm currently wondering why I should bother, with anything when what you have to offer is simply not good enough and just obviously plainly wrong. being talked down to by someone, no matter why or for what reason totally shakes my confidence in what I'm doing.

It is firmly giving me the idea that lcking myself in side the house and inside my head would be safest for all.

Right now I'm at the point where I feel I'm by myself even when I'm in a room full of people, I'm craving isolation and peace, not something I am going to get any time soon.

Day 18: Journal 2/5/2014

Can't technology drive you crazy.

It has been my nemesis all day today, if it hasn't been one thing it was the other. I have been teetering on the edge of a munch-a-thon all day.

Thankfully I have had a busy night to try and break me out from under this funk.

I have been debating whether or not to add some of the recipes that I have been coming up with to this blog or What BeeBee Did... 

So it's fair to say I'm not at my most positive right now.

Day 18: Food Diary 2/5/2014

Veggie breakfast wrap

Covent Garden Lentil and Smoked Bacon Soup with a wholemeal bap 

Fresh Fruit Salad

Calzone and chips

Continental biscuits

Day 17: Journal 1/5/2014

I've been in a bit of a mind fug today.

A couple of bad sleeps are starting to catch up with me today.

I'm still unsure if I've got the scales back to their rightful place on the floor. It's making me nervous when I look at them (as I have them on my side of the bed).

I'll have to do some jiggery pokery later and try and sort that out.

I'm constantly thinking about food at the moment, which I've not really been doing that recently. It made a nice change. I do seem to have an obsession with soup though at the moment. However it
probably isn't the best move for me to keep buying them, saying that the peanut soup I had today was amazing. Time to dig out the soup recipe books.

Day 17: Food Diary 1/5/2014

Spinach, mushroom and egg wrap

fuji apple

Glorious West African Peanut Soup with a toasted pumpkin and sunflower seed roll

cheese & rice souffle with baked beans and piri piri chicken

2 continental biscuits from tesco.. mmm new treat favourites